One goes along and thinks all is better, all is well it is now over five years that my beloved Paul died (July 25,2001)...I was so pleased or should I say surprised or perhaps even astonished that I didn't cry on the anniversary of his death this year nor on his birthday July 16. But...(there always is a but isn't there) here comes today and the emotions are raw again it's really strange how after so many years the emotions can still be so raw. To digress for a minute, my son Robert is a leukemia survivor 16 years on March 3rd of this year and one would think after all these years but no....I still can get that ache in my heart that pain in my stomach that god awful ache when I hear a song, read a news article, smell a remembering smell and it's like I am back there in the hospital. However, this is about me today and my Paul.
So I have been so tired this week so unusally tired for me and I think I have it figured out a number of things not just one that has triggered my pain, my sorrow, my tears...first those horrible murders of the Amish children the senseless deaths of the innocents and this coming Tuesday my friend Anne is flying in from Florida to hold a memorial service here for her husband, her Paul she is arriving on Tuesday October 10 and the service is October 17 she will be staying with me in my Casita. Her Paul was a wonderful man he died this past July in Florida just a few weeks after I saw them in Denver ... I hate death and I hate funerals and memorial services but those are the things we adults have to do suck it up and just do it! So on to the last item that has me so upset this one may seem strange to people but not to me. My best friend, the one who has been with me for nine years, the one who licks the tears off my face as I cry the one who is always there ....Mr. Nick aka Nick the Dog is hobbling around here on three legs after having surgery on his front left leg for a tumor (non-cancerous). He looks at me with those sad brown eyes as if asking WHY, how come do I hurt why can't you fix it. I think one of the measures of a human is how we take care of and how we love our four legged friends.
So all of this plus my neighbor who is dying of lung cancer (what killed my husband who never smoked in his life) has really got me down and tonight for the first time in a long time the tears are flowing actually did you know that tears are healing...this too shall pass and tomorrow will come and the sun will shine and I will laugh but tonight I am sad and that I have figured it out it is ok.
Jerri
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